Playstation 4 announced; not actually seen in public

Do you remember the first time that Steve Jobs came onstage, wearing his weird turtleneck and jeans, shrouded in mystery as he announced Apple’s new products? Do you remember when he showed them off to the crowd for the first time, a crowd which oohed and aahed appropriately at every turn and every press of a button/track-wheel? Magical wasn’t it?

Now do you remember last night, when the top brass at Sony came onstage and revealed the next step in gaming? The new box from which we can live out our virtual fantasies? The new Playstation 4, in all its beautiful sleek glory?

Oh. That’s right. They didn’t actually show us the box.

For all the showboating happening onstage, all the nerding out over Sony’s hot new thing, the PS4 itself didn’t actually get a look-in at last night’s mega-hyper announcement event; whatsamatter Sony, is it ugly? Does it have buck teeth and a hare lip?

Look, I never used to be this materialistic. Honestly. I never used to care for the next shiny thing on the horizon simply because I was satisfied with the things I had. It was probably the first time I ever played the Playstation 2 that, once switched off for the night, I’d have to resist the urge to affectionately pat it on the head. But as we rapidly approach what can only be described as the Singularity; when the rate of shiny thing releases gets faster and faster, sometimes people just wanna do a bit of a drool over the next little magic box.

Ever the ones to taunt and tease, and flash a bit of leg while winking without actually producing the goods – and god, that made me sound just awful – Sony have actually pulled a fast one this time out.

“Are you ready?” they asked.

“Yes,” the crowd bayed…just in time for Sony to do a Chris Tarrant.

“We don’t wanna give you that,” they smirked, instead producing what I can only hope is a work-in-progress prototype for the new controller; boxier than the last three Playstation controllers due to what’s supposed to be a mouse-like touchpad in the centre. Honestly, have you seen this thing? It’s a good job Sony don’t want the new PS4 to be backwards-compatible or else those poor controllers would be laughed out of the…whatever social area it is in which all anthropomorphic gaming accessories hang out, once humanistic qualities are applied to them.

Christmas 2013, they said. We’ll be here, we said. Waiting. And no more of that generic FPS shit, I added on behalf of my non-braindead gaming brethren. Then they showed me Destiny from Bungie and I left quickly.

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